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sd
05.23.05 (4:08 pm)   [edit]
.asdjhasdfcb.
 
maybe i'm wrong but...
05.11.05 (4:07 pm)   [edit]
... i think its disappointment. oddly severe, leaving me the asshole with nothing else to do. i'm not sure but i cant feel that being stern with people gets things done, it seems that it only complicates things when you are not a figure of authority. sometimes i question how the desires of oneself can take power over the desires of those who are rightfully expecting of you. but then, in that theory i must also be selfish and then the disappointment is more my own than ever. trapped in my so-called logic i cant even get angry without indirectly pointing out myself. (maybe if he wasn't so weird...) so now i sit here, all night wondering about all the what if's and they maybe's....while everyone else (oh and that means everyone, too) is out doing something. coffee is nice.
maybe if i didn't care. although i tried that and i'm sure that that cant be right because i was just as lost anyway with less fun. not that i'm exactly having fun now. at least not right now. i think i feel worse when i stand people up than i do when i am stood up.
 
its been forever is long enough
04.25.05 (2:35 pm)   [edit]
as he reaches for the space where heart and drive are commonplace he feels the ledge break from beneath the feet that he had counted on.
moving to speak he finds what he remembers to be a good time chewing and spitting as the pieces hit the sky.
With a split there's two, one cast deep into shadows and the other who only thinks he knows what to do
and the tugging and pulling cancel out any hope of lights thats long since left the window sill where he sits and watches the flowers shrink in the night.
The rain that kills the bugs drowns him in hopeless fear neither moving toward the shore or farther, that is near.

I cant touch watch i feel...but I talk as if these words can make a difference when never spoken...



never heard.

crying useless sentiment i drown in escaping possibility.
 
long long time
01.20.05 (3:28 pm)   [edit]
its been many moons since mine have graced the entries of this blog.....
i've not been poetic lately. my words are too jumbled for any good or beauty.
life flitters on...
 
and here we find ourselves
12.09.04 (1:51 pm)   [edit]
...left behind again. i stare at the questions, at the numbers as they fumble through my mind, bent spastically out of shape to form grotesque monsters that eat the mind whole. and the letters are as numbers while the numbers don't exist...and there i sit trying to realize that there is, in fact, no spoon at all. the blood i can feel pulsing keeps screaming in my ears of something in a language lost to my body that is nothing more than ringing and can no longer be understood. but it beats on, and on, as if it had some greater purpose, as if any of this were relevant to it and anything meant something or everything to nothing, but it can never decide which it wants to believe.
and the clock ticks and iwth each rhythymic vibration the untouchable passes slowly through our fingers as we sit and wrinkle and our eyes slowly dim until this thing so uncomprehansible takes away all that we don't understand...leaving us with nothing more than worms as our converstationalists and and wood as our window. but the world is still turning as if it doesn't even care, doesn't notice that these little movements on it's surface are even there at all, it just goes, knowing it will outlast and the itching will stop and it can relax.
relax.
i cant understand the words we have chosen, nothing more than sounds pushed together to form misguided conclusions and yet we all understand what no one has ever really undestood and i still am. or are we..less than something that we seem to be. am i dreaming out the way i move on a screen i cannot touch but i think to make it real. and these rules set out before me that i have no say in whatsoever are never to bend for me, yet they were made for someone else that i am not and do not wish to be..but that doesn't matter. we don't matter. matter is nothing more than that and it itself is less than anything important which is also noexistant and therefore doesn't matter.
and then the world will stop spinning because the itching stopped and it will slowly fade apart and the universe keeps scratching it's itches and there is no guided path to take because no one cares what you do but those who want to control you. there is nothing there to catch you, because its easier to laugh. no great light to bask in because it will only burn your flesh from the bone and leave your charred remains to animals. smiling.
but in that sense of ignorance that flows so strongly through us all..a defense mechanism...life is beautiful.
with eyes shut so tightly.
 
responsibility
12.08.04 (1:44 pm)   [edit]
i cant make my brain a math brain...it's not. it seems it better fitted for serial killers anyway. guess i'm headed for the right field...goddamn you calculus. stupid. roar.
i cant think of anything brilliant to say either. my mind has been robbed of its abilities in the process of trying to do the calculus correctly.let me ask you this...does anyone even care how fast a hockey puck is traveling or when it will stop? no. it just does. hockey players do not sit and do calculus before they take a shot...thats just retarded.
maybe i'm just sick but i'd examine and talk to and figure out a deranged murderer anyday rather than try and do calculus. sigh. damn the man and his system.





my brain is over. "i cant remember if it's thursday or december.." never are there more beautiful words than those of boys night out...




sigh. ...... maybe if we were all to pretend that we were living as if we all were already dead...and we could do no wrong.
 
lacking inspiration
12.01.04 (4:04 pm)   [edit]
my head is empty and i've got a matching stomach. it seems life is little more than bits of suffering thrown together...sugar coated by other occurrences and well recieved by our willingly blinded eyes. but no one listens...and i do love the taste of sugar.
maybe thats why i'm always sick....the inablity to stomach that which i should not swallow, more so when i know its implications and consequences.






oh, yeah. and by the way. i have never touched the future. and will never see tomorrow.

...and it's not, if you think about it, morbid...you are just as lost as i am.
 
and the world dies slowly...
11.18.04 (11:49 am)   [edit]
the leaves crush beneath the feet
of a million passing strangers
but the sound is muffled
and hidden in the noise that it meets
among the whispers.
---meh...its something, i guess.-----


i want to write a poem...but i cant seem to spit it right today. my lines are all a mess and my ideas are stillborn. (as you can tell by the false start above) it's disheartening...and my heart has alreay sunk quite low today. injustice makes me boil and ache from the inside out. i fear one day i may just explode due to such a thing.
and i will take every
throat slain in unjustness
and allign it with
an even justful more.
maybe its just something in me that causes me to be more angered by all this..but its one thing that should anger everyone...injustice has no excuses. at least not any good ones.
and this god shines
like silver in my hands
despite the life
that seeps from
a hundred sighing
holes in you
.....
and with this all
splattered out around me now
i sit and wonder
if and how
i could have played you out
a little differently
and if i could ever
put you back together
or if humans are
one of those things that
when its pieces are ripped apart
they cant come back together again
at least not with feeling
but i sure felt this one
and i must admit
this sensation
is so appealing
here's to
whatever it was that you said
(i've forgotten)
and the fact that
my hands came quicker
than the air
your lungs could grasp.




sigh. done for now....i hate people. today.
 
the pain of hearts unheaded.
11.17.04 (1:52 pm)   [edit]
and all our anguished hearts
cried
out in unison at these
unjust becomings.
or
as close as they could come.
and we spit
and speak
for the 'musement of the deaf
and the
pity
of the blind.
and still we lay
in discarded moments conversing with
darkness.
its the only one who listens...the
one
that draws us in.
one t e a r
blinks us all away.
 
too fast for feeling.
11.17.04 (11:54 am)   [edit]
he's not an angel. nor am i. yet we are both not evil.

too many are so quick to condemn and to spread their gossip and their lies. i cant say i know everything but i know enough not to act on my lack of knowledge unlike many of those i see around me.
yes. people were hurt. although i wonder if that is even the right word to use. i agree that he was out of line...but i also know how every single girl in the school acts towards him too. i don't blame them either, honestly. but it's hard to point the blame completely in one direction when this was, if only for the beginning, a joint effort.
it sad how quick we condemn.
what we need is more understanding...yes there should be consequences...but there should be consequences equally for all as well. do not sentence me more so than my accomplice. even if my accomplice did less they still took action and thus is also in the wrong.
but americans grab onto the large facts to avoid any digging around or any sort of work. it's the american way. and all the facts that also are important are lost along the way.

don't give me any bullshnit about being 16 or 17...people in high school make decisions about sexual situations all the time. i know exactly what it means to be under 18 and i wouldn't take advantage of that in any way...far too many people do. i just cant help but see the fact that she knew...yes, he knew also, but to say that high schoolers are dumb and unable to think is a fact that would enrage many people. it's not true.
but then. a lot os not treu. and like i said, i know not all that goes on.
but he is not a monster to me. he never will be.
sometimes mistakes are bigger than others...but you always kick yourself afterwards. always. and i know that he is right now without question.

he is not innocent.
i am far from innocence.
neither of us deserve condemning.
listen but don't listen, for more often than not they spew lies.

everyone i know, with the exception of a few, miss him. classes aren't going to be the same.
he effed up. we all do sometimes. he should face the consequences.
but he should not be branded for life.
sometimes people need to look around and realize whats already in effect.
and look at their own actions before they jump on those of others.
i'm not saying she's wrong. they are both in a state of unwrong and nonright.
if the sympathy card gets played i hope it burns later for this.

we all know its different.
i don't like it already.
i think i'll let him know. its the least i can do.
we owe him...i've hardly laugh so hard about school work before.
i've never felt quite so relax and understood either, and i think all of us can agree on that.
it was different. it was something.


now its different. it is nothing.
 
same old song still lifting us all downward...
11.14.04 (2:33 pm)   [edit]
and yet another teenager falls into a month-long love story that awaits it's tradgic demise. and then i laugh. ..and sigh.

beating hearts
force these eyes to close.


i cannot help but feel sorry for those who suffer from chronic broken hearts...not because of the pain they suffer but because of the sheer stupidty of the situations that they place themselves in. but too much effort has already been spent and not everyone can be saved from themselves.

huddled in a crack in the ceiling
is a mass that keeps us awake
with it's rhythmic obsessive beating.
and the droplets splash to floor as we walk by
creating patterns for each eye
as within each crack it dries.
but the beating never stops,
as if in hope of finding meaning.
and the scars that it bares from the times
it's been wounded by of the tenants
who'd grown tired of its presence in their world,
sometimes weap with loneliness and rejection.

--will finish later..phone call with my love<3-- >
 
short 52
11.11.04 (1:52 pm)   [edit]
a not so random ranting; and i start:

ignorance is the worst thing that a person can posses. it even makes you look dumber as well, although in most cases i can not think of one of those people in question who i find to be any bit attractive anyway. yes, personality kills...but looks can make you throw up too.

QUESTION 1. "I'm in high school and just starting a relationship [that means anything LESS THAN [at least] 6 MONTHS] and she's so perfect and i love her more than anything in fact i even ruin perfectly good songs so they are about her..will we be together forever? *insert bambi eyes*"
ANSWER: you're a complete idiot. you don't know what love is or ever could be and you are completely ruining and breaking what that word means to everyone else. you're a horrible person. unfortunately too many ignorant high schoolers happen to think 1 month = love. it's too bad that more high schoolers don't go move to another country so that the IQ of america can at least have a chance at raising. why do you all have to say love? no one cares at all. the only one who cares is you and "little miss/mr everything," so why not wait until you really mean it? "...uhhh because that would require thought?..." if you're so insecure about your relationship that you have to blast to everyone how in love you are...then you're not mature enough to be in a relationship anyway and your "lover" should leave you. and people wonder why high schoolers get such a bad rep. it's because too many dumb kids think they know what love is and pull some Romeo-and-Juliet type stunt and ruin it for the small minority of us who actually understand.
bottome line you are degrading what it means to be in love and it's so selfish of you to assume that you can do that for your own needs even though the word is not yours to mangle. ...yea. you suck at life. i'm sick of teen romances because no matter how long 3 months seems and how much you just love him/her...it's not going anywhere until you grow up and understand more than whats between your legs and what sparkley objects he gave you.

QUESTION 2. "Who are you to say what love is and that 3 months isn't long enough to know? and how am i supposed to know, you stuck up knowitall?"
ANSWER: what's their favorite color? their favorite spot to be alone? with others? their all-time favorite movie? favorite eye color? how many pets have they ever had? how many family members? have you met his/her entire family? his/her entire extended family? can you fart or burb or throw up or do all at the same time around each other without having to be embarassed? can you truly be you to all extents? can you say no and they understand? can you fight and talk things out without acting like 2 year olds? do things get better after a fight and not jsut stay the same? do you do nice things for no reason other than to make that person smile? do you call every day just to hear them? do you know their little quirks and what position they like best? have you ever woken up next to them and both of you been okay with the way you wear the "morning look?" could you wear nothing at all and feel just as comfortble around them as you do clothed? can you talk about every aspect of your body with them? can you talk about sex, birth control and condoms? can you admit to not knowing how to do something? can you give the other person a science lesson using your own body? are you afraid to talk about health issues with them? are you keeping any type of secrets from them? or they from you? do you truly trust each other? are you satisfied even if you don't do anything sexual for a mont? two months? more? would you [or they] stick around if you had sexual difficulties? would they try to help? are you embarassed or shy about telling anyone that you two are together? can you kiss in front of family members [both yours and theirs]? can you talk and joke and be comfortble even while doing soemthing sexual? do you feel completely relaxed after a sexual activity? can you name all the places on their body where they have hair? all the places they have pimples and freckles? do you know every speck of color in their eye? do you borrow their clothes just so you can smell them? do you feel most comfortble with them around? could you drive forever and not make them get out along the way? can you look at them and not only say "i love you" but everything else in your heart? are you willing to compromise or totally give things up for them? are they more than just a trophy?
can you name every last thing about that them that you find attractive? can you tell the difference between love and lust? do you look at other people? are you ever horny for other people? do you ever get bored with them or forget you are with them? do you ever think about cheating?
--there's so much more than that too but not enough peole ask themselves these types of questions. what they think is love is really just attraction with a twist of lust. you'll know when you're in love but you need to stop focusing and let it go...it'll happen, you don't have to make it happen...no one cares. just wait until you're sure because once you've said it you cant take it back.






sigh teenage romances are funniest when they end.
 
sighck.
11.09.04 (2:07 pm)   [edit]
sitting here and listening to Simon and Garfunkel while battling yet another sick day. they're lyrics are and always will be so beautiful.
i think i would feel better if i didn't feel so bad. my mind is skipping beats and taking me away while my body stands to fight of sickness in other areas. i guess it makes me smile, for reasons that are no longer significant and were never anything to any of you, that they are allowing me to step myself off of my medications...if only i didn't take 20 a day this would feel like an accomplishment of some sort. there's a rope draped over a giant two-toned cylindircal shaped object that bides its time hovering over my with the rope ending at my neck and my feet barely finding ground to balance on. it's odd how certain one can be that they will just "get through" something and act like it hasn't already left scars on thier heart that may yet come back to life. i wear my scars for all to see, i guess i'm not longer afraid of those lurking gawking eyes that follow my arm agross the hall and spur questions as to the origins of the badges that i wear upon my arm. i'm not afraid of who i am nor am i afraid of those around me holding the knowledge that i am more tougher than many of them will ever dream of being. that i've been to my edge and was able to walk myself back as well...and no one can see their edge without bearing some lasting mark...a razor's bite of courage that is mine forever. no one can ever truly understand them other than me, they are mind in all senses even those in which we do not always understand. stare as you will i am only proud. those two slits mark more life than most people ever touch...i know what it is to live because i know what it is to die. and gawk if you like, i am only proud of myself and all that i am. with the exception of being human...


The mirror on my wall
Casts an image dark and small
But I'm not sure at all it's my reflection.
I am blinded by the light
Of God and truth and right
And I wander in the night without direction.

So I'll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend
With the rainfall.
-.S.&.G.-

I knew a man, his brain was so small,
He couldn't think of nothing at all.
He's not the same as you and me.
He doesn't dig poetry. He's so unhip that
When you say Dylan, he thinks you're talking about Dylan Thomas,
Whoever he was.
The man ain't got no culture,
But it's alright, ma,
Everybody must get stoned.
-S.&.G.-



yea. i guess so. but i'd rather not know for sure...
 
dusty tears
10.30.04 (2:25 pm)   [edit]
there's so much to say but not enough effort to put them into words...it almost reminds me of a song sung for no one, but felt by everyone. almost.
one simply cannot know the confines of anothers mind, especially since we ourselves rarely know the stretches and restrictions of our own. it seems so close, so familiar, but people never fail to surprise you and set you spinning. whether thats good or bad is hard to say, nor do i believe it is in the opinion to be stated by any one person.

our exeperiences shape us, our lives drive us down. it has always been so that man's strengths are numbered, but his weaknesses are forever running. one cannot blame themselves for a moment of weakeness...especially not that of another being. all thats left are the fragile lines of support in need of strength and understanding that more and more i realize not all human beings are capable of providing to another. weaknesses are beautiful in their admission of imperfection and shouldn't be downplayed in any sense. even at our highest points we cannot say what we are capable of, and once we are at our lowest we don't think of such matters...they just happen. its more than natural. you can see it, read it, in all of our eyes, within everyone you've ever met and ever stand to meet.

its more than you can ever know and more than we shall ever learn. what appears so childish often is the resorting to aminal instincts in a time of fear and confusion. acting on impulses for what appears to be the greater good. however, people hardly understand the greater good and children are not yet ready to understand the correct path to follow. in all this pain and confusion of one who, with knees bent, thinks to the skies for help, it makes one wonder where He is. why does He chose the most underserving of his flock to suffer and run from inner pain and agony? perhaps he doesn't care...or is merely a thought that has long frittered out any realistic means of intervention or miracles.
so wonderful as to let her suffer. so benevolent as to try and steal her beauty. i cannot believe the amount of worship lost to such a cause when those among you are stuck down in cold-heartedness...where are You now?

and as your reward for your diligence i give you everlasting suffering and a constant reminder of your mortality. all this looking up makes me sick...its always been easier to look down.
but i prefer looking straight ahead...and with so much corruption there's so much to fix. so much to care for.
She is alway more to you than you realize...more to everyone than she knows. hold faith only in her and do not let yourself deviate from that path for it will only lead you astray...especially when now is when she needs you the most. and shortly all this time spent with Him has always been a waste for those around you who truly need your efforts.

stop looking up....look only straight ahead and emerse yourself in the suffering of man. for that, i assure you, is more real than anything you will ever see or touch.
don't look up because you will not see the hole before you are falling down into it...and no great hand will ever lift a finger for you prayers.

this bullshit makes me sick for it is those who believe it that seem to be punished the hardest. and who have the least amount of earthly support....that is where we must all begin.
 
sigh.
10.19.04 (7:23 pm)   [edit]


is odd how one simple sentence can completely crush your insides and send you back to the defensless state of a child with monsters in their closet. bringing you down so low.
i wish it were my fault. all of it. my fault....





.....at least then i could say i'm in control.....
 
because i must?
10.14.04 (8:49 pm)   [edit]
and i know i've always been quite prolix...but its a habit hard to break for so many beautiful things can come from gentle elaborations. stiff sentences chop me up and set to sickening my soul.
something about wallpaper makes me feel sicker, maybe more enclosed. its more final than just a wall...murals are the best. but a wall can be much more inventive...white isn't always the end of the room its the beginning of every color and their total collaboration all at once and, in such, everything you see..while as wallpaper maybe be more asthetically pleasing, it lacks a certain freedom. in an indirect way it tells you exactly what to make of that room and takes control over everything in it. one simply cant change the wallpaper...things must match the wallpaper. or you would have, as often is the case, a very hideous out of control room in which the walls are angry that they cannont control what they hold within them. i don't blame them, i guess, i mean i can think of many other things that feel the same. but we chose to give them this sense of power and then laugh in their faces [yes, walls have faces] as we contrast and ruin their patterns and colors and the atmosphere they try to set for us.
i want to warp my walls..make them bend and mold to me. each room a planetarium of sorts for it's own geological feature. descending down the cave, dodging stallactites and stellagmites, hearing the drip of water reflecting in the dim iridescent glow of odd luminous crystals that jut out from the walls. my room the stars..the moon and farther still..as peaceful eternity envelops and suffocates in a sense of sexual asphyxiation of the dreams. so much summed brilliantly into flashes of the brain, sending instant emotion and sold un-realities. that would be my favorite room, where i could go and simply lose myself while drifting amongst the stars...for as long as forever can reach. eternity. it's not dark but bright and is something untouchable, so misunderstood that it is feared.
one must never fear it or search for answers in places that give no substance other than a false sense of comfort. its more than natural, more than any man could ever realize. it's a purpose, a destination, a reason to get up and wonder...today?
it's beautiful...untouchable, unstoppable, feared, and respected. laying everything to perfect rest and massaging away your woes and the pains you've amassed through you're travels.
simply close your eyes and find yourself drifting off too sleep. peacefully floating through eternity with eyes shut tightly and your arms crossed gently upon your chest.
 
and i thought i was sighing
10.13.04 (7:18 pm)   [edit]

well, i was wandering and i found myself reading what one girl had written about what her pefect guy would be like. what he would do for her and with her and all. and as i was reading i was thinking how she had described pretty much every girl's dream guy, in a sense. i mean some people will want that and more, some less than that. and yea, there are some that want something completely different. but it really did sound nice...one where it launches you into a fairytale moment but suddenly, i was shaken from tham dream to reality...and there was something beautiful in that.....
--he calls me to just say hi, or goodnight, even if we cant talk for longer than that.
--he makes the goofiest noises and does the silliest things just to make me smile.
--he never laughs when i get upset or cry over something pretty stupid.
--he tells me everything...from discusting to deepest inner secrets.
--he know my favorite random foods and loves to do goofy stuff with me.
--he's never afraid to tell me what's on his mind or how he is feeling.
--he always tries to cheer me up and does nice things for no reason as well
--i don't have to be anything other than myself....no makeup required.
--he can tell when i'm upset or got something on my mind
--he remembers the stupid little details that everyone else overlooks about me
--he doesn't hog the radio...even if he hates my choice.
--he gives me sweet pet names and compliments.
--he is never afraid to tell me things
--he holds my hand and is patient.
--he always is nice just because....no reason needed.
--he's not of afraid of emotions.

Tim, you're closer to perfection than i ever thought possible. I Love You.
 
unrequitted sighs.
10.11.04 (6:50 pm)   [edit]
feeling slightly, well, jealous i suppose you could say. maybe the reason is stupid, somewhere within mine or in theirs, but its hard not to feel miffed as well. i doubt i could voice my case well, it's always misunderstood and taken apart to leave me feeling like the idiot...i can rarely stand my ground. at least not when it really matters. i dunno i get a 5 and a 5...10 minutes total for two days, and i know i cant expect too much but...once again i lean more toward the fact that the reason is stupid and that i feel like i have no place here nor there. sort of mingled in between if there is time. now not always, mind you, and i do understand that things come up which need to be tended to as well, but sometimes i just wish their were a better reason. that time can be found or made for me.
and now i feel selfish, but really i don't ask much. at least i don't think that i do. i don't think that everyday should be mine and every call should be to me...but that i should be allotted time that shows that you care, and denotes the love that is verbally expressed.
and while granted, some of us [myself included] are prone to overreactions it is hard to say what is just and what is over the top when you are acting upon emotions and how you feel.
okay, situation: he calls to talk to me last night only to tell me he has to go call someone else and that he'll have to call me back in a bit. so he calls back and then is waiting for someone else to call, leaving me in a position where i feel sorta like a filler. he goes again, but this time does not call back but signs on to say that he is going out and cant call.*insert echange of <3's and byes.* today he calls me to tell me he cant talk, we get about 5minutes before he has to leave me for friends who, from what i understand, are there to see his brother. thats what i don't understand, why his brother couldn't entertain them for a bit so he could talk to me . . . and now he wants to call me at a time when he knows i'm not really supposed to be on the phone...but it fits his schedule.>
i dunno...maybe i'm just not seeing it all or something. but i don't understand why if they got him all night and all day i cant just have a phone call for more than 5 minutes. and he asked why i was sad on the phone ... i said i wasn't, i guess big deals aren't always to be made and we should pick our battles .... but i am still slightly hurt by it all.


as we sit silently hearts are ever so slightly crushed and chipped away.
 
fatherly tears
10.07.04 (7:00 pm)   [edit]
okay, so i'd hate to saound too much like a stereotypical teenager who is angry with her parent[s]....so i shall sum it all up the fact that people are ignorant, i generally tend to hate them, people are way to materialistic, and people are inherantly selfish.
yes, that is treu...i have actual complaints against my dad, not just pent up anger from getting "because i said so" as a reason. although, i do get that a lot.
i've never seen anyone who goes so far out of his way to control everything around him. from what classes to take to what to eat for dinner. it's discusting, and its the worst thing in the world to feel this sense of being under someone else's control. if my dad ruled the world...we'd all have killed ourselves off by now. it doesn't help that he even tries to control right and wrong....as in he is right everyone else is wrong. end of story. i mean, c'mom guys, OF COURSE he's right, how could i be so stupid? ..right.. he will never say he's sorry either. never. i cant even remember a time in my life i even saw him act like he might feel guilty even if he truly should have. its sad to see how may family works. everything has to be done through dad...but everyone, including my mom, is afraid to ask him anything because all he does is yell and belittle you into tears or submission. my mom says more and more how my dad is no longer the person she married, she cries a lot too because my dad frequently stirs up fights between us all. i mentioned divorce but i really don't think thats in my mom. she strong in her own sense, but not against my dad. none of us really are...my older brother tried to be. rebelled against all my dad placed for him...joined the air force to get the hell away from my dad, and i don't blame him. i can remember several occasions where a fist fight broke out between the two. that always made me cry to see.
now its gotten so bad that as soon as i start to ask my dad something he cuts me off right away and says no...and then when i've finished its more than likely still a no...simply because he loves to control what others do...it almost seems like he cares nothing about how we feel, just that he has the power. and i'm not just wallowing in self pity, and he can have some good moments..but rarely. i cant wait to get away. i understand he's a parent and sometimes has to say no....but he cares more about the car than he does me, he cares mroe about me damaging the car than he does about me getting hurt in an accident. its always the object that means so much to him. i cant understand it and it makes me hurt inside that i am even related to someone so unlike me and so hurtful, controlling, and oblivious to others. i just wish he'd give me a chance.
i remember my older brother had to ask my mom when he was young "why doesn't daddy love me?" ... thats so terrible for a young child. even worse when now, at 17, i still feel the same.
blah. i hate this. i'm dumb. i just needed to blurt it all out ... but i'm still crying. i hate crying. i hate this.
 
a feeling of desperation
10.07.04 (5:11 pm)   [edit]
poetry again ... it's sick this time.


on the cracked and rusted bench in the shadow of a lamp
on the sidewalk of the main street
rose a figure with its fist held tight to a bottle
and the wanderings of the desperate played out upon his feet.
every breath that escaped played games with the air
with eyes gone and simple, frozen in dispair.
more paint cracked as people passed and as time slipped away
with the disfigurement of agony played out in wrinkles ....'

i hate that one. but i don't want to erase it so... blah. no rythmn at'all.
i think i'm gonna try the same thing in story form....something a little different.

on the cracked and rusted bench, cast in shadow by the streetlamp, on the sideway of the village main street rose a crooked figure with it's fist held tightly to the remains of a crumpled brown bag. a bottle lay motionless in silent consideration to the remains of desperate wonderings played out upon the feet set down beside it. the air played and danced with every breath that escaped, shimmering in eyes gone and simple, that had been left deeply frozen in the confines of despair. as chips of paint flaked away people passed staring as far off into the distance as their centered eyes dare venture. The disfigurement of dreams reflected in the shape where the bench molded to the figure, neither of them moved by the sky. the click of another nickle echoed in the ears that never heard it, slowly spinning to rest next to the scattered other specks of silver in the shadow slats of the old bench. as the wrinkled flesh gave way to the beauty of white, revealing the frailty of one's structure to the handles of the air. and caged in frittered a little grey mouse, sheltering in the billows of a ripped coat. the mouse never questioned the smell and blinked with black eyes upon the stripped expression of the creature that rose, heaped upon a pile of broken wings. and out of simple courtesy and caring no one ever asked him to move...

odd, but there all the same. neither are perfect but the poem wasn't going anywhere.
sigh.
 
nothing worth naming..
10.04.04 (7:29 pm)   [edit]
my distraction from calculus.....and it finds me here. oh what fun.. but i guess i really cant complain, i could be doing other homerk instead.

and i almost wish for you to rip my heart, still beating, from my chest..
i've given everything else and the rhythm is the only thing
thats been keeping me alive.

[this next one i liked better....]

i'm clinging to the empty walls with dusty hands and bloodshot eyes
seeing nothing but the marks i've made and the ones you left behind.
this room is dressed in ruins of broken picture frames
outlining the spaces that once locked up memories.
and in the corner there's a crippled chair that rocks to the wind
and as it sways it sings and recalls every end it's seen.


the first part was more to intice the 2nd one to come out. poetry is like a timid animal that has to be coerced and spoken to gently...

my watch ticks time in tocks that clock this all backwards
sending me into my past which has sculpted me a future i've already seen.
so cyclically i see the faces spin about
on collison courses with my hopes of escaping
and i find myself pacing back and forth between my ears,
bent and twisted from those times where i listened.
and its not certain that the ending is any closer by this passing
or if i will have dried up long before that happens
while trying not to drown.
more or less this clock will stop and i shall cease to be.
 
something's always missing....
09.26.04 (2:53 pm)   [edit]
i hate this ... this feeling that somethings wrong but being fully unable to realize or admit what that something is. so i sit and despair over nothing to my knowlege and everything around me at the same time. it makes me want to throw up my insides and get as far away from feeling as i possibly can. its odd how hearing yourself say just 3 words can cause such chaos on the inside...even more so when you hear them in return. and in a move toward anarchy i realized that chaos can be the most beautiful thing this world has to offer to its empty inhabitants' useless hearts.
i'm not sure if i could ever fully understand humans....or if that would be anything worth spending my time on figuring out. partially pessimistic, and completely disappointed. not in one thing but in everything and in nothing at the same time. maybe the problem's more me and i know i am only sucking others into those problems like an ominous black hole..waiting for a chance to put this all out.
i guess i had been thinking about last night for a while before it happend, turning over preminatory visions of the plane crash that killed us all. and still all i want to do is fly again. i cant tell if its only something the same or better in its own way, and if i could ever get it to what i want it to be, but not for me. the guilt in me is so great with having not done much of anything and how much that means. and for letting myself get this way, for seeing the reality, for seeing my own ladder out and pushing it aside with yours in thinking again that this is something it will never be. its never perfect, i know that. anyone who ever thought that is nothing more than non-existant in the plane of reality that is our world. simply grazing upon a dream of something unatainable. inspiring but fully futile.
i don't think regret is any sense of the word that would make up my mind at this moment. but i'll admit that part of me wonders if i can make this what you want. if i can make you smile like i've always wanted. i hate hanging on and making both sides fall, and even more i hate being on the downfall seemingly alone. you're willing everything for me, i think that makes me nervous ... maybe that we both are up to much more heartache, susceptible to much more pain. but most likely thats not the whole of it. i'm still not sure what love is. and i've realized that in every aspect of my life, its almost like i cant remember ever feeling it truly, nor ever truly giving it back...like i've lived a lie in saying countless 'i love you's to those who i just assume i do love. maybe i'm just confused, but it feels like love is just habit and grown between things mainly for mutual benifit rather than what fairy tales try and tell us. i think we take it for granted and its harder for me to be effected by it. i guess you'd call it numbness, and i could blame my medication but i'd rather think its me because that way i can find my own way to make it right again. i guess i do mean it when i say i love you, in as much of a way as i am currently capable of meaning it. i don't want to take this time for granted and not understand the words i am saying. i know what they mean, to others and in my head. but that never translate out completely when i make a statement. i cant understand why i love you, or anyone at all. the world seems a lie, more today than ever. i don't want us to be part of that lie. sometimes i can feel it, what love must be but its almost difficult to retain for me. its the oddest thing i've ever experienced. i think too many stupid teenagers have smashed what love was supposed to be leaving everyone in our age-group lost and confused...living off what they think they know but is really no more than ignorance.
maybe now that its been said, and i know tht you feel the same towards me, i can hear you say it, maybe now i can truly see what its like to love someone and have them love me too. that isn't to say my childhood was broken, or i think everyone hates me and i hate everyone. i just haven't been assured of what it all means. and thats a lot to ask one person to show me .... a lot to put on someone and to expect of them. i guess its like the song "i wanna know what love is, i want you to show me." i've caught more frequent glances and i want that frequency to increase until its fully there. though nothing is ever fully there, and i know that. but i want it as close as possible. i guess just writing this helps me realize how i feel, and that i can truly say right now that i do love you. i want you to know that.
i guess like everyone i am just afraid of being hurt...and since in a way i already have been, even if only more so this month, i just don't want to hand my love out there only to see myself end up in just another stupid teenage relationship...to see one of us get hurt...to see all that we have fall away. i don't want it to but thats more than i alone can do. promise me when you say 'i love you' that you mean in everyway and not just in an ignorant teenage way.....promise me you know what that means....both to me and to us. the last thing i want is for us to waste our time on merely 'thinking' we know when we never actually "knew" that we did. for knowing is so much stronger and the more we know the stronger we become.
i love you, and this isn't really a time for hesitation...but if i am to be hurt i could not think of anyone whom i would rather be hurt by. to hide from pain is foolish... its the living that matters. i don't care if you hurt me later, as long as you mean this now. and if in the end i am broken it matters not to me because we will always be better for it. i love you. i think i hate those words more than anything in a world which i secretly hate....they are the most powerful thing ever said and i hate them. i could not even explain why, even though i feel them i cannot bring myself to like them. which, i suppose, is not to say that i do not love....just that everything will always be love-hate. hating not that which i love but the actual act of loving.
......on a lighter note i think i'm slightly deranged.
 
the long and the rest..
09.24.04 (12:20 pm)   [edit]
here goes: live-journal = blocked from me [blah to dad] therefore i find myself here ...




with every step i take through the random halls i find myself more and more disgusted with things ... well, people. in hopes of avoiding sounding like a future serial killer i suppose digging into what i would like to do would be less effectual than exploring the reasons that i get so angry in the first place.
actually i lost the caring that i had in the beginning and realized that the hope of understanding is so far away from reality that every word that's spoken is wasted on every ear that ever hears it.
everything is cluttered with people who don't even realize what little value to anyone else they actually posses...which is everyone. i guess this ignorance really is a state of bliss...unless you're on the outside of it and just cant help but pull away from it.

we'll all wake up to find ourselves in graves dug for us by the arms of those who never cared and never knew we could ever speak. cloud the memories with a thickness of dirt and rake nicely the topisoil in the hops of fooling those who pass into thinking that you cared. ... its not like we are ever going anywhere. we are forever grounded ...
life is but a dream for the dead. although mostly pushing nightmare.

walk over me in years to come
as i lay crying insects
from cold and vacant eyes.

blah. . . hearts are useless and don't do anyone any good ... their only meant for being broken and shattered about the wreckages that are our lives....